My life right now…
Isn’t too great. I wake up every morning feeling crappy. Theres only a few days where i can say there’s been a glimpse of happiness recently. I have so much crap going on right now and i feel like theres no one there to listen. So i’ve resorted to just getting it all off my chest on here, at least then it will feel like i’ve talked about it. Here i go… i’ve failed a module in my first year at uni, it might not seem like a big deal to some people because it’s only the first year but it means everything to me. I thought i’d be coming to uni and doing something i’m actually good at… turns out i’m not so great at it. I have to have a meeting with my lecturer to sort it out. I’ve only told one person this because i’m so embarrassed. I feel like such a failure. Im just doing terrible on my course :( I literally have no friends in my year. I sit on my own during lectures and between lectures unless sean or nate are around. It just makes me feel so lonely. I havent a clue what i’ve done. It was exactly the same back at home, i really thought it would change at uni. Apparently not. It must be me. I just feel like i’m always there for people when they want to tell someone their problems but no one has time to listen to mine. I helped my “best friend” through an awful experience at the begining of the year, even went to hers before lectures at like 8am. She now doesnt talk to me. She ditched me for someone else for a module and didnt tell me. She said she didnt want a room next to mine. She also gave everyone a hug in the cast of Alba except me… i really dont know what i’ve done :/ i just dont think people like me. People keep constanlty bitching about me also, i just can’t take it anymore. I already know i’m a crap person, i dont need telling by the whole world. I also think i’ve pushed away a certain person who i care about a lot. I didnt mean to, i just cant handle things right now. I really need them but clearly i’ve just frightened them off. I am a burden. I know that i am right now. They now wont talk to me… it just doesnt help me at the minute. I thought they’d always be there for me… this is when i need them the most but they’re not there. I asked about 6 times today and got ignored. I guess i just need to learn and accept that i’ll never have a proper friend. I never have. Most likely never will. I just can’t help feeling that they’d be better of without me in their life. I’m also constantly ill. Currently have flu, a few weeks ago i had tonsilitus. Great. I went to the doctors and they said they wanted to do some blood tests as they’re worried about my immune system… makes me feel amazing. Something else to worry about. I spoke to J about it, which i found very difficult. He tells me he’s worried about my mental state and asks me to take the NHS depression assessment. Turns out i’m depressed. He wants me to see the doctor about it. It would make sense for me to have depression, would explain a number of things. I have thought that i might be but didnt want to believe it. I thought i was a happy person, i realised that ive not been happy in a long time. Only on rare occassions briefly. I’ll just wait and see what the doctors say. I can’t tell my parents about it because it would just make them worry about me. I dont want that. I dont want anyone to worry about me, theres no point. I think stupid things all the time, like i used to when i got bullied when i was younger. I dont think i deal with things very well. Its clear that i dont. I’m just fed up of waking up everyday, dreading the day. I just want to feel happy, for a long amount of time. So just to recap: i am a friendless horrible person who is crap at her uni course, that may have a blood disease and depression. Loving life 2k12.
